Turns!!

• Life offers you the “turns” at the time you least expect it!! and well that’s why it is called unexpected turn!!….. Some of these turns … are for better, some for good, some may be for worse and some for…. NOTHING!!!    but in whatever form it comes…. change is inevitable….

• Some Rules one should NEVER break…. how much ever fun they seem to offer….. in the end they just cause pain

• Some secrets should NEVER be let out of heart…. it is the best place to hide them and its always better they just stay there..

• kaisi paheli hai yeh zindagani…..

• Life…. its nothing but a rollar coaster ride!!! yes.. that’s what best explains the ups and downs my mind is going through…

 

Reason Reasoning

May be for a while I smiled too much for no reason and now I’m looking for reasons to smile and also “reasoning” my thoughts which are flying in all possible directions in the world…

 

Countdown begins

14 days to go…

 

Blank to Blast

Why did I say the Day is silent???? Though for most part of the day it was so.. it ended with a big blast on 2 fronts… one a issue at work.. which demanded my time beyond office hours and afterwards.. which led to another major personal argument and then my internet had gone cranky and playing games with me… added to that was indifferent/irritating room mate who doesn’t even have the courtesy to wait and hand over the check in person but instead has left it on my bed!!!!!

Why am I cribbing so much? Where did the person who was chirping and singing happy songs and smiling all day long disappear??? As the days of returning to the nest are drawing closer, I’m getting more restless and more cranky as much I try to keep calm.. things are just getting pushed in a different direction itself

 

Blank

All blank…bol bol ke thak gayee hoom.. aur abhee bolne ko kuchh bacha hee nahi hai!!

Day is Silent so far…

 

Lots to say

Seems I have become too verbose with my expressions and am blurting out everything that I think of/feel… In so many words I conveyed that I tried to keep the semblance but still there were moments when I missed him but he was too good to say anything that way and kept me wondering did he think of me during the holidays? did he really miss me as he had said he would? why am I still thinking about such things?

Had such a nice long chat and I again talked so much and told so much about myself and things happening to me … and then start wondering what would he think of me? why am I opening up my world of thoughts to him?

It certainly is.. what I don’t know.. but a potpourri of endless thoughts… thoughts, emotions, fear of future, the confusion of the timing, wondering of the “rightness” of decision

As ever my mind is playing a game with me.. have so many things to take care of.. so many things to worry about.. so many memories to be happy about but I’m sitting in absolute lazy mood enjoying the “alone” time after such a long time but with no clue as to whether to be happy/sad about my decisions..

Someone asking me Why am I being replaced triggered those thoughts that I had thought I have suppressed… its becoming difficult by the day to accept my new status of being jobless and staying at home all through the day… Hoping that I will be able to get back to the professional life on track soon and this decision will not be scrutinized and people will not have doubts about why leaving at this time??? I just can’t talk to M about how I’m feeling inside  for the fear that anything I say might hurt M as he takes it personally and thinks that he is the cause for me leaving the job and all that….

Saying Good-Bye had never been my forte but nonetheless I have done it so many times.. felt wretched every time but got back up with life…but this time saying bye is going to be much much harder and I don’t think I’ll ever get over this…

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I did think of checking the comments time and again on the day of reaching there  but as it is very difficult to open a laptop while I’m there.. I could check it on the phone only a couple of times.. and was happy when I saw there was a comment

Well the “forgetting part” was started by him only and then he says the blog is about forgetting If he reads the first line of the last post, he will understand who said that just before saying bye… it definitely Hurt to hear that…I definitely am not the one to forget and “wouldn’t even want to” forget… will just go by the philosophy that though it is not meant to be forever just that it happened is good these definitely are good memories just that the “timing” of such truth and awareness was the game of destiny…

There’s no question of being harsh here.. the circumstances, the situation etc., are like that and they demand such thoughts/behaviors and expectations… Of being “forgetful”, of being harsh

I Never had any thoughts of any comparisons…. he & M are 2 different worlds.. it would be too unjust to both of them if I do any such comparison…

yes these are some very hard times for me…. I needed some pep talk, some talk for freeing up my mind & understanding a few things in detail and so opened up but definitely NOT for comparing… Sorry.. he understood it like that.. All along I knew men only as my dad, brothers and few as friends but mostly as competitors!!! my one try of understanding a male mind as a partner was not really successful.. so…..

I needed some insights, some perspectives of a “partner”.. how he thinks, what he thinks, what goes on in his mind as a partner.. the whole intention of asking so many “insider” questions was just to understand that piece….

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Have a lot to write, lot to reply and lot to say…Have read and re-read the comment and composed the reply in mind, re-wrote and rephrased 100 times… for the time being just mired in different issues, meetings, loads of emails to be read and replied and forwarded as FYI/FYA;)

Also lost in a maze of “personal” thoughts….so much to come to grip with…

 

New Day.. New Beginning

I know he asked me to forget everything once I’m in the flight… since technically I’m still not in the flight and just at the airport, thought will qualify to write and talk…

I know there are 100 may bes to what just happened… may be I should have not gone for the dinner itself, may be I should’ve given a cold shoulder, may be I should’ve ran away from the restaurant, may be I should not have called back/messaged back/pinged back.. may be I should not have started this blog at all.. may be I could’ve kept all my thoughts to myself…oh there are such 100s of possibilities… but would any of these ‘may be’s have been any better than what the last 6 days have been? I know it hurts to say what he said (hope it hurts him too) about forgetting it all as much as it hurt me to listen to it.. but doesn’t the truth always hurt?.. as I referred, this is a dream and dreams always have to break..

I know all that happened was crazy.. may be stupid to some extent, may be scary, may be not “all right”,  BUT in the end, it was plain “good” and I experienced a different world and different me itself:) I know I’ve to forget, I know he’ll forget,  I know that’s the right thing to do and in the best interest of all, nonetheless it simply hurts at this point to think of forgetting Can’t believe there can be such a HUGE difference in just a small span of time… I know I’m repeating myself here again and again.. he was right when he said we have said everything thats possible there for any of us to say and still I’m going on ranting here..

I hope this break is a good one for us and puts “sense” back into us and we ‘can be’ our normal old selves like before… that would be something I just cannot afford to lose at any cost… I’m very well aware that the equations have changed a lil bit and can’t be reverted now BUT just don’t want to give it all up… definitely not the friendship we shared for such a long time,  not even for the cost of the last 6 days of “wonderful” experience.. I know he understands that well and I can only hope that these few days helps strengthen that friendship more and make it more stronger than wither it..

why am I suddenly talking sooooo much? talking non stop?
was it too awkward the way I said good bye before the security line?
The day really started off so well but I’m sure as much as I try not to.. I’m going to load it for myself with too many thoughts and ramblings.. what is it that has got into me that keeps making me re-think every word I say or every act that I did…was I not better off with keeping things to myself?

I’m feeling sleepy, feeling happy, feeling sad, feeling utterly stupid – for paying that extra for the stuff I could’ve left and most importantly for leaving my keys in the security basket… I was checked twice and since they got all my trays and asked me not to touch I missed checking if the key basket was there or not and realized it only when the cabin doors were closed , for talking SO much, for thinking every bit and piece, for repeating myself some 100 times and boring (him?), for lifting that veil of caution and letting him know how emotional I’m..

OKAY.. STOP & SLEEP NOW

 

On the Go..

Last for the night:

Quiz:

Which movie romance do you fit into?

with the result Ron + Hermione.
You’ll end up with someone who’s been a very close friend…you know each other inside and out and are fully comfortable with each other…this romance is truly magical.

What is Your Inner Self?

You hide your emotion sometimes .You are a moon type of person. You tend to be the quiet type or in contrast, you are not happy but sometimes you act it out in order for you to not burden your friends with your problems. You’ve faced some problems in your life. Your heart has been dealt blows before . You tend to think about things a lot more than other people, and you may get annoyed with people who act out without thinking about consequences. You are also the type of person that others often come to with their problems because you’ve been through plenty, and you are very understanding. Though you sometimes feel lonely, your demeanor is usually chill, and relaxed. You usually are logical, and rely a lot on facts and information on decisions. You often keep things to yourself. This is just one side of you, and you have different faces in different situations and environments, just like the moon has phases. Thanks for taking this quiz, I hope you enjoyed it

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Feels like an emotional dam is suddenly burst open and I have to hold as much as possible before the gates are closed again.. .thoughts, thoughts and just thoughts… makes me wonder more how today would’ve been SO different if NOT for that dinner?  and makes me want to keep saying LIFE IS STRANGE and no one can ever predict the turns it can take

Today and the last few days could have BEEN SO DIFFERENT.. my thoughts, my days everything would’ve been SO SO Different … right?

Well.. after jadofying so much philosophy of being free,not trading cautiously, living the moment and all that.. now I’m back to myself worrying to death.. is this right? are we doing correct? fine?  Hope no one gets HURT …

I shared so happily that quiz result immediately but then suddenly the “BUT”  re-appeared   Please save me from myself

the days and moments are “truly magical”… but it hurts to know it happened so late and there’s no future and one careless gesture can hurt 2 more innocent bystanders

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Is this really happening? or am I just continuing with my dreams?? for some time in between was feeling a lil bad about not able to meet and having so many questions… by being so open & frank and thinking out loud here, talking continuously here, pinging time and again.. am I pushing?? and all such questions..

and then I hear these ‘hope tomm never comes’ ; but just living wid the hope that I will meet u tomm  now don’t spoil that plzzzzz’

which completely made my thoughts take a U turn

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Why am I feeling sad? why am I wondering so much if I would get to meet again at all today? What’s this ‘heady’ mix that’s keeping me going on such a high.. will God answer my prayer? (hope god grants ur wish soon before u realize tat its late)… Have to finish off some mundane tasks before leaving .. so running now

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Two days and this is the 6th post… I surely am on a roll

The lunch, the songs, the mood.. wow… on top of it.. how are you going? Ahhaaaaaaa

So many things running in the mind, trying to concentrate on the work, be attentive in the meetings but once in a while the mind wants to take a break to run into here for a quick check on this “dream world” before getting back to the real world and staring at poeple and trying to bluff some answers…

For once atleast he noticed the change in my outfit.. least of when I expected and completely none when I was actually expecting!! anyway.. Thanks

Today.. I’m extremely nostalgic.. so many years with the company.. saying good bye is not easy and “he” certainly is not helping…. rather making it very difficult for me to say goodbye here

Had never realized such “normal” sounding conversations can have so many hidden meanings behind them… ‘how are you going? what time?’ , ‘how good the last long weekend was and how itis so different this time around’, ‘can the plans be changed?’… Hmmmmmmmmmm

I had never seen so many different sides of myself.. such a mischievous, hopelessly romantic ?, actually craving for ‘his’ attention?, lying so much ,

Forget it.. why should everything follow with a “BUT WHAT NEXT?” let things go on as is.. kal ka kal dekh lenge.. kisko patha ‘kal ho na ho’

I hope ‘he’ would have some time over the weekend to check the updates and comment as otherwise it would be difficult to use any other communication media in the next few days

 

BUT!!

Good Morning… got up very early and was not able to sleep again…. staring outside the same window, the same world, same tree… all look so beautiful suddenly.. changed all the chat status to let the world know I’m happy today

I know I only wrote that life would be so great f we threw caution out of the window and live in the moments, BUT now having second thoughts, this throwing caution out shouldn’t lead to throwing 4 lives apart.. I want all these sweet talks  remain only in the minds of us and no one else needs to know today or in future

I was so.. what? shocked? thrilled? Happy? amazed? elated? No.. I don’t know what exactly it was but I felt good when I saw those 3 magical words in the IM, BUT again had put a STOP there itself as otherwise don’t know what the consequences can be.. now I understand why it is often said that few things are always better when felt than said out loud 

God/Superpower/whatever name we call you by… can you please help? Can you make all these “BUT”s vanish for a while atleast and let us live the moment?

 

Wandering mind

I’m tired of being careful always.. tired of questioning myself.. tired of worrying if this is right? if this not correct? what would others think? am I hurting someone?
For once I want to be selfish.. completely for myself and let go of all carefulness and enjoy few moments.. taste the life… I want to truly enjoy these moments but I’m being pulled back always with the thought if I’m hurting someone..my thoughts/my actions causing any issue to any one at all.. for now, I want to let go of all these and be myself and feel the life and not worry about much
but then again… there’s this thing called reality which keeps waking me away from this “dream” that’s going on for the last 5 days.. days are just seeming to vanish away… when I really want to hold them back and want time to move as slowly as possible, time just flies (Huh… where are those days when I could count every second)
I’m acting SO crazy that I just can’t believe it’s me… where was I last week and where am I today? all giggling, smiling to myself, getting so much addicted with the chat and this blog.. life truly is STRANGE for me now.. this is definitely not the days/moments that I had ever thought of… last 4-5 years can’t think of one day of involving “him” but now constantly running in my mind…

did u anytime tell me whatever u wrote in the blog?
No… because I’m feeling all this only now.. for the last few days

As I prepare myself to put an end to the day, I keep replaying things and re-reading the chats, the blogs and trying to take in all as what is happening.. now when we are trying to squeeze each moment possible to be talking to each other or see each other.. I think of the times when we just left go on its own.. the last 2-3 days when we could’ve had all the time that was available.. we were worried… anxious about so many things.. how would life be if we would things on as we think, if we are HONEST about our feelings all the time atleast speacifically and specially to the ones who matter to us, if we can throw caution into the wind and live… well well I think all I’ve now is the thought of ‘how it all could’ve been’!! let me leave it to that and try to get some sleep

Just when I thought he is gone, and i should sleep why did that message peep itself at the corner of the screen asking me what I’m doing… well what else am I doing…

Thank God I can afford to ignore work for some time, what would have happened to me if I was in a different situation  (well I guess in that case of ‘different situation’.. Situation of me not going/leaving… , I would not have got to know of any thing at all, there might NOT have been any thoughts , the need for this blog and all the crazy stuff thats going on)

I know all that’s happening is just a dream.. this blog is my dream.. in reality I’m not writing this blog… I’ll wake up and will realize it..

God, please help me continue the “dream” as long as you can afford to!! (without breaking any “others” dreams)